Beauty=remedy to the malady

invigorate

I’m a chronic over thinker with acute reactions to circumstances. Having tried to tackle the problems that seem to stem from this condition through, you guessed it- thinking of a solution; perhaps I now have a theory to work on.

It’s based around distraction from the perceived negativity and focus on reality rooted in the physical experience. The turning inward becomes a way of turning on the power source and generating energy to flow outward.

As with the technique for a panic attack, where it can be best to use the excess energy created from your adrenalin fight or flight response. This is going with the instinct to distance from the source of discomfort, but no longer fixing on that source and rattling around in your head feeling unable to improve things.

Relocate from inside your head, into your body. I’m not about to suggest breathing exercises, yoga, and meditation. These I aspire to be able to call upon in my hour of need, but there is a block between them and myself and I can’t quite figure out why or how to overcome it,  and sitting down to ponder it is quite ironic and ridiculous given the whole point of what I’m trying to achieve!

A problem I’m often crippled by as an empath, is a sense of overwhelming disappointment and genuine gutting sadness at how ugly the world around me seems and in particular the behaviour of our collective so called “advanced race” toward each other. I curl up to hibernate inside and my dwindling optimism dies a little more every time I see or hear examples of the lack of compassion, rampant selfishness, ignorance, oppression and manipulation in society.

I observe myself getting caught up in these torrents of self righteousness where we justify the obsessive investigations consisting of riffling through of someone’s social media for evidence of their character flaws or terrible intentions. Knowing that the interpretations are self fulfilling assumptions to prove what we set out to. All based on their clicks of a mouse or interactions with other fallible beings. This indignant belief that we are entitled to view and judge someone’s life and why and how they display it seems to come as a free gift when you log in.

So my deduction is that perhaps we side step all of those types of stimulation and step back into a more personal realm… The senses.

Pure, simple and underutilised because there isn’t an app for it and we are too dependent on pointless rewards such as likes and emojies.  But, how about the reward of your synapses firing off like a fireworks display? Or the reward of new neural pathways and a more adaptable and efficient mind that can reach greater potential? Setting yourself apart from the guessing game the gossip and the art of deduction within the real life soap opera online.

What if we nurture a collection of sensory stimulating items in an arsenal, to fend off the call to dwell on the negative and hide away from the hateful world, therein enabling us to become more resilient and evolved?

What if, with full intention, we gave the same level of indulgence that would consume you if you went down the well trodden path of procrastination, malaise and agoraphobic tendencies etc, to the endeavour of indulging our senses and completely stretching out inside our skin to feel every nerve ending, an alternative to our usual attempts to stay hidden and small within our fleshy cumbersome shell?

We all have an idea of the power of music, art, dance, theatre etc when you really connect to it, whether it’s observing these things or participating in them. But my suggestion isn’t as pre-school as that. It’s more intense and the results more provocative.

So think of the things that are invigorating, tingling or capable of transporting you somewhere else or swell with love. The challenge is to really connect with them one sense at a time, to explore them, and discover new facets to them. You may need to deprive one sense to really engage the others. Also try to keep things for when you need them most so their magic can keep topped up.

Some examples of these things have roots back through time and cultures such as massage and that doesn’t have to be inaccessible. There’s always a deal to be found or a partner you could spend the evening communicating and sharing that medium with. Most people can’t help but close their eyes whilst being massaged because you can connect with all those glorious feelings all the better.

Where do you feel most connected to nature? For me it’s woodland, forests, valleys, lush, nourished, green and bursting with vitality. For others it’s the sea, being around a campfire, under a starry sky. Closing my eyes and just breathing in the breezy autumn air seems to repair something instantly within me.

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(If you can’t get to these cherished locations perhaps have a photo taken of them and get it printed nice and large so you can imagine being there)

Some smells transport you back to childhood, fresh baked bread, cut grass. Others are just worth experimenting with, Mint, citrus fruit, leather.

Saving a special food stuff that you can really enjoy and I don’t mean in a binging way, much slower, deliberate and savouring. Your favourite ice cream, chocolate, whatever it is save it and this time really taste what it is you love about it.

Other than music what sounds elicit good responses, laughter from friends, a Childs giggle, the haunted woody notes of a cello, a purring v8 engine or waves crashing onto rocks?

Do you know what grass feels like on bare feet, what about the feel of different fabrics gently feathered across your skin. Texture, temperature there are so many things to vary. But we even make assumptions about these sensual moments before they happen because we don’t stop thinking and assuming.

There is still beauty in this world of ours. When you behold genuine unconditional love, generosity, courage or examples of people putting others before themselves, (and not for attention or commendation) that is beauty, and it’s restorative.

When you allow through the channels of your senses, your body to feel the wonderful and the rapture of its capacity to stimulate perhaps you recognise what it means to be alive and be present.

No status, no fads, no celebrity endorsement, no bragging, no competition, no inequality.

Obtainable and completely organic!

This therapy I prescribe and this self medication isn’t self sabotage, my sincere hope…

That beauty could perhaps be the remedy to the malady.

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I can’t forgive you

Forgiving you will set me free?

Is that the only way I can obtain my own freedom? Because I am not sure I can forgive your reprehensible, selfish, vile actions.

You stole from me and how many others?

You took my voice, made a mockery of safety, trust and childhood. You knocked me off my path, isolated me from love, confidence and joy.

inner child

You deserve the hell I have put myself through ever since.

I deserve all my wasted years returned to me along with hope and self esteem

So, for now it is beyond me to forgive you.

I can potentially understand you. But no sickness or replication of what was your experience will relinquish the responsibility of the choices you made; to ignore what is inherently wrong and swagger around your playground stealing innocence when the mood takes you. I wonder if you were even sincere in faith or just audacious in your masquerade. Capitalising on a community that served as a blanket to hide your hideous nature, your grotesque soul, and which both nurtured you and absolved any guilt.

So firstly I reject silence, I am one of far too many and you will not stifle us anymore….

The tactic of finding a positive in everything I reject, but I acknowledge the limits of your effect and accept I am guilty of letting the distant past have power and that must stop.

Perhaps forgiving you is unnecessary, just as I don’t need to forgive a virus that found its way inside my digestive system and created nasty symptoms. Just like that I will expel you, vomit you out and be better off for it.

So, next I choose to forgive myself, you are not my concern, I rid myself of you and my white hot burning rage for the whole saga.

You cannot have known the extent of what I would do to myself for 27 years following your interference. I credit you with the intelligence of a tadpole, slimy and surviving by impulse with no regard to anything other than yourself.

I forgive myself for not speaking up.

I forgive myself for not turning to face these dark times sooner.

I forgive myself for learning to phase out and creating sink holes in my memory.

I forgive myself for building walls around myself that keep even my children out.

I forgive myself for my impatience, distrust and constant urge to run away.

I forgive myself for craving love and acceptance but when in receipt of it being uncomfortable and suspicious.

I forgive myself for my nonchalance on this topic, for undermining how profound and far reaching its roots lie.

I forgive myself for the years when I had recognised the flaws in my created belief system but felt trapped and unable to change my programming or challenge my inner saboteur/protector.

I forgive myself for the constant berating and bullying I punished myself with, that stopped me laughing, playing, singing, dancing or creating, anything that meant I would be visible.

I can begin to forgive those who I have resented for not protecting me, for their naivety, borderline neglect and lack of presence to be aware of the not so subtle changes in me and the rapid decline of my light and smile.

But not you, you are exiled from this moment.

I take responsibility my territorial nature, my need to anticipate threats and protect myself without hesitation. For creating proof of my wretchedness in my own poor choices, and thereby passing on to others that I loved the same unwanted gifts of broken trust etc.

In replacement…

I offer love and acceptance to my inner wounded child frozen in time and caught in those messy times.

She has more worth than you and the space I have now that you are gone will let her finally grow. Her potential knows no bounds, she will find her path and become unstoppable, and you will be forgotten. Indistinguishable grains of sand in the barren dessert we have left behind.

Liberation like this is scary, although most of the healing is my responsibility, I cannot thank those who sit with me and listen when many would cover their ears and ignore the knowledge of what as humans we can unleash upon each other.

I urge you to talk, to listen, to become aware. Give hope to yourself and others.

Depression/possession ?

When I reflect on it, my depression and the myriad of other curses that fall under that vague title has felt like something with it’s own life force, like the possession of a malevolent spirit.

An entity more powerful than I, that toys with me, lets me know its approaching, and enjoys watching me squirm and trying to rustle up some defenses or scrabbling around for some weapon to attempt to fight it off. But it always knows that it can and will slip through my fleshy exterior and nestle inside the unseen but critical parts of me. My heart, my mind, my personality.

It drives my body in a crude and clumsy way not caring if I bump into things, say abrupt and inappropriate things to people. Tells me to not bother exercising or eating well, and that I will never be good enough so why even bother. When it’s not in the driving seat I suddenly feel abandoned and unprepared to be in control. I try to hide and am disconnected from my body. I feel like my extremities are beyond reach, my strength all or nothing, my limbs cumbersome and exhausting to lug around.

spirit
During it’s in-habitation my predominate feelings range from rage, jealousy and contempt. Anxiety, procrastination, the anticipation of threats everywhere. Into numbness, delayed reactions and disconnection from those I love. The fact that I love deeply becomes a cruel mockery as I can’t smile about it or enjoy it; only feel aware of how insignificant and detrimental to these things I am. Then there’s the excruciating sadness, misery, grief and the absorption of anyone’s pain, melancholy, sorrow or disillusionment etc.

I know when it’s pushed me to the back of the cave because I have sinkholes in my memory, anything I remember is hazy and laced with doubt.
It likes to protect me by stopping me from participating, showing me that everyone is out to get me and collecting evidence to prove this, crippling any confidence I have, draining all my energy and replacing it with a sense of futility and impending doom.
In times without the spirit the hole it has carved for it’s nest is left open and I am left dazed and lost. The emptiness I then seek to fill, out of desperation to catch up for lost time and at times even the belief that it is actually gone for good. I crave affection and validation. I try to be a real person while I can as respite from my own loathsome and pathetic company.

I try to mold myself into the person who can add happiness to another’s life in the hope that I will find happiness too. I guess I realise now it’s a distraction from becoming complete in myself and it’s part of a cycle I have played along with for decades. It’s a self sabotage loop, if I do become happy and part of something beautiful and loving, I become certain of it’s peril and start to get agitated or systematically fall to pieces mentally because I can’t bear what’s next. If it ends up not making me happy so much the better because then I can berate myself for yet another failure and be miserable like I seem to want to because it’s familiar.
Depression is on the periphery for all of this just smirking and waiting to come in and dance on the carcasses of all that I have managed to slay. To replay the best bits to me if I try to lift my head, to drag me into isolation and have a fucking good laugh at my expense.
It may then leave me to drown my sorrows for a bit and return later. It’s a busy little bastard who I’m sure juggles victims. Sometimes my hero complex rises up and I wonder if I could be saving someone else by keeping him with me for a little longer each time.
The interesting thing about this spirit is his ability to stir creativity, to expand your consciousness and to connect you with the unconscious network. You start to sense those who are similarly afflicted, their eyes tell you the truth behind a veil of smiles and flamboyant extrovert, passive aggressive or whatever character they are channeling.
Now this spirit is in all probability just parts of my shadow that if I could make peace with would be the difference between a destitute life and a successful one.
I do believe in a balance in all things but I also know my tendency to polarise, so acknowledging that somethings are neither good or bad can be tough. It would be easier for the fantasist in me to believe that I am not responsible for creating this spirit that it is as old as time and possibly evil. But that in all probability isn’t true. I have a darkness in me that has every right to exist and it just tries to protect me and take control. It’s lost interest that it’s angry at those who have hurt me and is just hurting me.

I’ve hesitated to join forces and acknowledge this shadow part of me because of the potential consequences. But in my instance I no longer believe in the chemical imbalance explanation, the medication can no longer quiet that which must be listened to. It’s time to turn and face the parts of me, and my past, that are screaming and willing to force me into submission. It’s time for an alliance, breaking the cycle and accepting all that I am and can be and indeed forgoing all that I am not and cannot be.

Relapse is a bitch/As shit as it gets?

Relapse is a bitch and I hope that this is as shit as it can possibly get….

You think you’ve hit rock bottom and pulled yourself far enough up to be ok, not even happy,  just ok, you take one step too big, too far or too soon and then relapse grabs your ankle and pulls at you.

Sometimes with a struggle you might kick it away, if you had a weapon the fight would feel more even. Sometimes it gets you, sometimes maybe you just let the inevitable happen.

But each time that fall is further, you slide past the point you fell to last time and keep going. You didn’t think it was possible to drop further and now it seems impossible you will ever be back to ok again.

The frustrating thing is the people you love and the reasons to climb back up definitely outnumber the things or people that enabled relapse to gather enough power to pounce, yet love is not enough to defeat it, those people and reasons reaching out to you are so distant in comparison and their conviction isn’t as believable. This predator stifles hope, knows you most intimately and has a grip on you – you don’t even want to try to break out of because then in your already exhausted state you will have to try to muster more strength to fight it.

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The thin facade you managed over weeks or longer to mock up to brave the outside world only held it together for a day or two* before some challenge or criticism shattered it and you ran to hide your distorted twisted being in the shadows. That uncomfortable feeling you get around real humans and the awareness that your black cloud is felt by all around you engulfs you entirely and you crave for oblivion.

*(Perhaps even, it’s been years since the last siege, and you were happy and had everything you wanted and this just rose up dramatically)

You wonder why you are so weak and what you have done to be so cursed and despised. Why did you bother making all that effort to just fail, again? Is it better to feel nothing at all? Or to carry acute sadness in your soul and absorb all negativity so that sadness gets upgraded to misery? All in the hope that you may get occasional moments of joy if you’re lucky enough.

I guess somewhere you found hope and courage and for enough moments you wanted to believe that the light could return, you could be free of this and that there was something you still had to live for. You really felt you had done all the difficult work and left the past behind. You wouldn’t have put all that effort in for nothing. But any seed of doubt left has grown. This resurgence is proof that something still needs uprooting or maybe you still need to work on occupying your body and mind completely not feeling like a child who can barely see over the steering wheel or reach the pedals to drive.

You believed that one day you will have enough clarity and faith in yourself that you will be able to prevent this self fulfilling oppression and apathy, that you will accept that this process happens to mostly all of us,including those vile misguided creatures who step over others for self gain, they need to heal too, but now is just your time.

A lot is said of fighting, but perhaps that is counter productive because this isn’t about preserving what you once were.

Accept that you cannot be that anymore, it has come to an end and this metamorphosis albeit painful is about a new and more beautiful life. So perhaps go with it, stop trying to crack the chrysalis – let it encase you but with the intention of it being a temporary thing.

Because living is so much better than surviving.

Ask for help, commit to your rehabilitation, take the time to convalesce. Talk about it, write about it, explore it, get uncomfortable and challenge the bullshit you tell yourself. Do the goddamn yoga keep trying to meditate and be mindful, realise maybe it feels silly and pointless because that devious bitch is trying to protect herself.

This has happened because it needed to, relapse is a chance to repeat a lesson you didn’t quite complete or understand.  It’s another chance to explore and adapt.

(ultimately its you or the monster, it can only die by starvation which is a slow process. Trying to trap it in a prison means its still alive in you just waiting ,you need to eradicate its existence)

I’m working on the methodology because therein lies my salvation and any future. Speak soon people.

 

Waiting for epiphanies

I spent a lot of time waiting and hoping for a great epiphany, I think a lot of us do. That’s why we love inspirational quotes with their motivational vibe and scenic pictures. We subscribe to it and look up to those who seem to have it all sorted (they probably don’t!).

That moment never came, there have been realisation moments, where I’ve finally understood the lesson I could take away from an unpleasant memory. I have made a kind of peace with the way I see myself and decided to be a kinder from then on. Or I have worked out why I react to certain things so powerfully.

But I remained stuck in limbo not wanting to continue on that path, but scared of how to go any other way. Because I still searched for the profound purpose of it all.

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But, perhaps we could be more accepting and content, if we realise that we aren’t likely to stumble across that one magnificent eureka moment. We can find the glory in the smaller but much more frequent revelations, these are steps forwards and shifts in perspective. The pressure to find the magical unicorn would be gone and a lot less procrastination would take place.

Your motivation would be organic, free-flowing and unique to you.

The same approach seems to be had when it comes to fat loss or getting your body to look and feel how you want it to.  So many of us are looking for that new discovery that is the solution to why we haven’t gotten satisfaction or results up till now. Be it a new class, a new protein powder, the new science backed and celebrity endorsed diet plan.

We just want somebody else to have worked out the answers then we will try to copy it.

But the answers are individual and a combination of factors.

Focus on the short term is a false economy when it comes to contentment and happiness and that isn’t what will correct the root causes. It’s just a cycle where consumerism is the winner.

Have some faith that if you are more present in your body and mind you will feel what is right and wrong for you. You will start to respect yourself enough to not want to mistreat your body with processed crap. You won’t need to be so rigid in your regimes because your body and mind wants homeostasis and signals you when something is threatening that.

This means you enjoy what you eat and what you do activity wise because it’s what works for you and you participate from choice, no more punishments.

You will make mistakes but mostly these can be undone and the wisest of people have made mistakes, learnt lessons and moved on.

Just start to think in smaller steps, changing habits and getting comfortable with those new ways for long enough to see if you feel better. If not, try something else, be patient with the process.

You have all the ingredients you need to succeed; perhaps you just need someone to show you how to put it all together and then you can continue on confidently by yourself.

That’s what I’m interested in doing for people, empowering them and working with them to find their long term solutions and breaking the cycles they have been stuck in. The goal is self sufficiency and happiness.

Client number one

Client number one was me.

Everything I know and use to help others, I have learnt the painful way through personal trials and a lot of errors.
I still get sad and protective of the lonely little child who resides within me. I do this all for her because to heal and grow she needs to see that there is good in the world. It is possible to be happy without there being a huge cost or consequence for this.

My name is Angela and I give a shit about how you feel. I can understand the myriad of conflicting and upsetting feelings that are stopping you from living as you want and deserve to. My sincere wish is that working together we can empower you and guide you to a place of contentment where you have self esteem, optimal health and love
the person you see in the mirror. I hope to nurture a community of persons who feel the same way because the fulfillment from caring about and helping others is a valuable tool in helping yourself too.
My approach may not suit everyone, it has a specific demographic but increasingly a lot of us fall within it. Busy, stressed or overwhelmed (mostly women) who are unhappy perhaps disillusioned suffering with depression anxiety and negative self esteem. As if this wasn’t enough there often comes with it a weight issue or health concern, worries about the future, debt, relationships not feeling how they used to. etc etc
This is a new venture that I have long dreamt of.
Having qualifications in personal training, counselling, massage and social sciences. The reoccurring theme has been that of wanting to help people. No one of these
alone has enabled me to have the revolutionary impact I know is possible. So now I am ready to stand out free of constraints and work in a holistic way, utilising my unique skills and experience to have long lasting benefits for those who participate.
In the next blog I will go into more detail of what that entails and the possibilties it opens up. In the mean time please feel free to comment or send me a message via email or facebook.
angela bleasdale